Becoming Claire Fredrickson - Episode 5

My mind was racing, MARRIAGE??!! To Bode??! Me? Was this some kind of sick joke? A scared little voice in my head muttered that Bode might be in love with me and that’s why he wanted to marry me.
But a louder more sensible voice(I figure this was the voice of reason) shouted down the other voice and drowned it with questions like “Isn't  Bode incapable of fidelity?”, “What would happen to the house?”, “The other girls?” “Why would he love me? I don’t even care about him”.

As my mind batted(albeit in futility) to provide answers for these questions. I realized Bode was staring at me. I didn’t know how long it had been since he asked the question, time seemed to have stopped while my mind was racing. And now I realized that I should react, or say something, I was so confused that tears just welled up in my eyes (its not like I was a crier but the tears usually came at opportune moments).
When I started to cry I don’t know what Bode interpreted my tears as, maybe he thought I was happy(men are arrogant like that, they always think a woman’s ultimate goal is to be proposed to), maybe he thought I was overwhelmed. Whatever it was Bode started to hold me and cradled me and tell me how it was going to be okay. How he could imagine my joy(talk about arrogance). How we would work out the details by morning but I should make sure I never see that punk again(punk being Frank I guessed).
I decided to sleep, Bode decided to sleep with me(if I didn't think he was serious this singular gesture convinced me because Bode never slept in our rooms, we always went to him. It was a power thing i guess). That just scared me even more. He said he didn’t want to let me out of his sight. I wanted to be alone but I didn’t want to say that to Bode. I wasn’t sure what to say to him at that point. I was so lost. I knew I didn’t want to be married to Bode, that was a certainty. But was it? I wanted wealth, fame and power but could I have all that if I married Bode? There was a time when marrying Bode was all I wanted. Was I wrong? Or had I changed? Or was that a wrong plan in my scheme to become everything I wanted to be.
At that point I began to reflect, I had been with Bode for over a year, all I had achieved in that time was that I had become sophisticated. I didn’t see how I was closer to my goal of being rich and famous. All the money I had was money that Bode gave me(Bode kept us on a generous monthly allowance). I still didn’t have enough to buy my own car or own my own house and I was turning 22 in a few months. I felt like a failure. I wondered if I should give it up and just marry the Bode, you know, count my losses.
I wanted to talk to Sheila about it but I didn’t know if she could be objective. Seeing as if I married Bode she would be out on her ass. I had no one to talk to but myself. So I decided to sleep. The answers would come in the morning I thought.
Magically, the answers did come in the morning and those answers were the things that made me Claire Fredrickson.